Quote

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Ideals
Battery
Gift
Operated
Law
Batteries
Mother
Bought
Ideal
Christmas
Mouth
Mouths

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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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