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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Mouth
Mouths
Ideals
Battery
Gift
Operated
Law
Batteries
Mother
Bought
Ideal
Christmas
More quotes by Milton Berle
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Milton Berle