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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Names
Doctor
Year
Expensive
Used
Christmas
Give
Doctors
Brandy
Giving
Gave
Suggested
Every
Drink
Bottle
Years
Told
Bottles
Name
Boss
More quotes by Milton Berle
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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