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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Name
Boss
Names
Doctor
Year
Expensive
Used
Christmas
Give
Doctors
Brandy
Giving
Gave
Suggested
Every
Drink
Bottle
Years
Told
Bottles
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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