Quote

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Sent
Count
Cards
Christmas
Number
Numbers
Feel
Insecure
Feels
Received

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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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