Quote

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Cards
Christmas
Number
Numbers
Feel
Insecure
Feels
Received
Sent
Count

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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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