Quote

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Cards
Christmas
Number
Numbers
Feel
Insecure
Feels
Received
Sent
Count

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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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