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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Feels
Received
Sent
Count
Cards
Christmas
Number
Numbers
Feel
Insecure
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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