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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Flowers
Flower
Law
Found
Mother
Wired
Fuse
Valentine

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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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