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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Fuse
Valentine
Flowers
Flower
Law
Found
Mother
Wired

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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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