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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Mother
Wired
Fuse
Valentine
Flowers
Flower
Law
Found
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Milton Berle
