Quote

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Fuse
Valentine
Flowers
Flower
Law
Found
Mother
Wired

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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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