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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Littles
Wanted
Little
Valentine
Card
Cards
Express
Wife
American

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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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