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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Cards
Express
Wife
American
Littles
Wanted
Little
Valentine
Card

More quotes by Milton Berle

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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
Milton Berle
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton Berle
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton Berle
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Milton Berle