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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Card
Cards
Express
Wife
American
Littles
Wanted
Little
Valentine

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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
Milton Berle