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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Feels
Unfortunately
Years
Twenty
Never
Twenties
Like
Year
Two
Around
Women
Feel
Eighty

More quotes by Milton Berle

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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
Milton Berle
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
Milton Berle
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Milton Berle
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Milton Berle