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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Feels
Unfortunately
Years
Twenty
Never
Twenties
Like
Year
Two
Around
Women
Feel
Eighty

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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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