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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Life
Sex
Interested
Marriage
Says
Trouble
Wife
Remember
Thing

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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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