Quote

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Wife
Remember
Thing
Life
Sex
Interested
Marriage
Says
Trouble

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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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