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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Funny
Comes
Money
Fast
Amazing
Later

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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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