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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Expired
Women
Hilarious
Book
Card
Time
Cards
Life
Library
Like
Read
Funny
Problem

More quotes by Milton Berle

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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Milton Berle
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
Milton Berle
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Milton Berle
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
Milton Berle
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Milton Berle
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Milton Berle
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
Milton Berle
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Milton Berle
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
Milton Berle
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle