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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Read
Funny
Problem
Women
Expired
Book
Hilarious
Time
Card
Life
Cards
Like
Library

More quotes by Milton Berle

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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle