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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
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Problem
Women
Expired
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Cards
More quotes by Milton Berle
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
Milton Berle
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
Milton Berle
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Milton Berle
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift.
Milton Berle
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Milton Berle
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Milton Berle
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Milton Berle
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Milton Berle
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
Milton Berle
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
