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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Like
Library
Read
Funny
Problem
Women
Expired
Book
Hilarious
Time
Card
Life
Cards

More quotes by Milton Berle

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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Milton Berle
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton Berle
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle