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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Women
Expired
Book
Hilarious
Time
Card
Life
Cards
Like
Library
Read
Funny
Problem

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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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