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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Milton Berle

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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Funny
Blank
Money
Killed
Form
Income
Forms
Filled
Taxes
Humor
Says

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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle