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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
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Milton Berle
Age: 93 †
Born: 1908
Born: July 12
Died: 2002
Died: March 27
Comedian
Composer
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Presenter
New York City
New York
Parental
Two
Humorous
Hilarious
Come
Mom
Work
Evolution
Mum
Really
Works
Mama
Baby
Parenting
Funny
Motherhood
Mother
Mothers
Mothering
Hands
Comedian
More quotes by Milton Berle
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
Milton Berle
One of those Christmas songs says, You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout. How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Milton Berle
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Milton Berle
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
Milton Berle
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
Milton Berle
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Milton Berle
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Milton Berle
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle