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My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

Mike Birbiglia

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Mike Birbiglia
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: June 20
Actor
Comedian
Executive Producer
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Family
Really
Like
Olive
Olives
Italian
Garden
Humor
Funny

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You can express love by calling out the truth out of the situation as opposed to dancing around it.
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All techniques of comedy are valid and interesting to me.
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I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, Do you guys hate me?
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My problem with being in New York City is that you really can't make a living as a comedian. You can, but you have to also take writing jobs, which means less stage time.
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What I write is emotionally honest and truthful as the human experience can be, to make people feel less alone, or at least that's the hope.
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I have this habit of asking 'why do you want to do it?' and then interrupting them to say, 'here's why you want to do it.' Because it's in the 'yes...and' spirit [rule of improvisation].
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Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.
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I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.
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A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'
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Gillian [Jacobs] is brilliant, and it was Lena Dunham that recommended her. I didn't see her in the part, but Lena told me that Gillian can do anything. It turned out to be true.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
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I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
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I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.
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I'm a compulsive everything.
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So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.
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...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.
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I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
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I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear.
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Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
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I almost can't even put to words how happy I am that I got married.
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