Quote

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Mike Birbiglia

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Mike Birbiglia
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: June 20
Actor
Comedian
Executive Producer
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Would
Ploy
Love
Elaborate
Reception
Pizza
Marry
Family
Whole
Much

More quotes by Mike Birbiglia

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Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
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I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
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I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear.
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Backup dancers are completely respectable. They're the studio musicians of dance.
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The key is to do what you love.
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The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is.
Mike Birbiglia
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I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
Mike Birbiglia
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I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'
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I figured out in my thirties it was about 'what can I contribute'? And what I figured out about that is creating something from scratch, and connecting it to people.
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I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: whitebread. The other day, someone came up to me and said, What's up, whitebread? And I was like, That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!
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Fortunately, I don't talk about politics on stage.
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Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything.
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I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.
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I struggled with that notion early in my career. 'I know this is funny but nobody is laughing.' This thought occurred for years.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Mike Birbiglia
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Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?
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How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.
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I actually love 'Saturday Night Live,' like a sports fan watches their favorite team to see how they're doing. I know the players and the writers, I've known several people on that show for a number of years.
Mike Birbiglia
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My writing process is very feedback-based. When I do stand-up, I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting, and then rewrite, rewrite and rewrite.
Mike Birbiglia
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Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say You gotta dance! you gotta dance! And then I dance, and they're like, Not like that!
Mike Birbiglia