Quote

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Mike Birbiglia

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Mike Birbiglia
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: June 20
Actor
Comedian
Executive Producer
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Pizza
Marry
Family
Whole
Much
Would
Ploy
Love
Elaborate
Reception

More quotes by Mike Birbiglia

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Life is unfair and improv is a great metaphor of that.
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Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
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I've been selfish over the years, and other people who have made it have too, but I can only speak for myself.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
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Some people come up to me and say You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia And I say Well, here in America, you're annoying...
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Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say You gotta dance! you gotta dance! And then I dance, and they're like, Not like that!
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Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.
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I feel like people have more in common than the news reports.
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Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.
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I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
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Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything.
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I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.
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I think our culture views success as visibility, being seen as being successful. Whereas I've learned that success is rooted in helping and connecting to other people, and knowing where you can contribute. I've kind of spent my thirties doing that, because in my twenties I was seeking any kind of success.
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Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy.
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The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.
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A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'
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Eugene Mirman is the Andy Warhol of comedy. People look to him for what's next in comedy, and he emails these people back promptly. The Will to Whatevs put me in a great mood because I was laughing out loud. Alone. That's hard to do.
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I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'
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So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.
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Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.
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