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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Mike Birbiglia
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Mike Birbiglia
Age: 46
Born: 1978
Born: June 20
Actor
Comedian
Executive Producer
Film Director
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Needs
Humor
Really
Comedy
Funny
Woman
Understand
Doesn
Money
Math
Need
Loves
More quotes by Mike Birbiglia
I just don't give off a great first impression.
Mike Birbiglia
I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.
Mike Birbiglia
I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.
Mike Birbiglia
The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.
Mike Birbiglia
Gillian [Jacobs] is brilliant, and it was Lena Dunham that recommended her. I didn't see her in the part, but Lena told me that Gillian can do anything. It turned out to be true.
Mike Birbiglia
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
Mike Birbiglia
I couldn't recommend more that people put themselves in a situation where they can see a lot of work that they admire, and for free.
Mike Birbiglia
Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.
Mike Birbiglia
I have this habit of asking 'why do you want to do it?' and then interrupting them to say, 'here's why you want to do it.' Because it's in the 'yes...and' spirit [rule of improvisation].
Mike Birbiglia
I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.
Mike Birbiglia
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
Mike Birbiglia
I almost can't even put to words how happy I am that I got married.
Mike Birbiglia
I feel like people have more in common than the news reports.
Mike Birbiglia
I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
Mike Birbiglia
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.
Mike Birbiglia
I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'
Mike Birbiglia
Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist.
Mike Birbiglia
How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.
Mike Birbiglia
You can express love by calling out the truth out of the situation as opposed to dancing around it.
Mike Birbiglia
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: whitebread. The other day, someone came up to me and said, What's up, whitebread? And I was like, That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!
Mike Birbiglia
