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I'll never admit that I'm an actor, because the next horrible follow-up question is always, Oh, what have I seen you in?

Michael Ian Black

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Michael Ian Black
Age: 53
Born: 1971
Born: August 12
Actor
Comedian
Film Director
Podcaster
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Television Actor
Chicago
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More quotes by Michael Ian Black

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I hope you die.... P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.
Michael Ian Black
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I feel no obligation to teach my readers anything, to impart any sort of wisdom, to teach any sort of lesson, to instill any sort of morality. All I'm trying to do is make them and their parents laugh.
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There is no word for feeling nostalgic about the future, but that's what a parent's tears often are, a nostalgia for something that has not yet occurred. They are the pain of hope, the helplessness of hope, and finally, the surrender to hope.
Michael Ian Black
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My goal is to work. That's the goal of most actors or performers: to work and keep working, and do the best you can, and keep growing and changing, trying to improve your craft.
Michael Ian Black
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Whatever I write I publish. Because that's where the money is.
Michael Ian Black
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Hosting a game show is so bizarre and uniquely its own thing. Anytime I'm hosting something, I try to bring as much of myself to it as I can, but it's always going to be incomplete.
Michael Ian Black
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I never really understood what was expected of me as a man, or how I was supposed to interact with women, but worse, with other guys. I did not relate to them.
Michael Ian Black
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I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.
Michael Ian Black
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If I revise a children's book, if I'm spending three hours on the first draft, I'm probably spending 30 minutes revising it. I mean, come on! But to redo a painting? That's hard work.
Michael Ian Black
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My tastes in all things lean towards the arty and boring. I like sports documentaries about Scrabble players, bands that play quiet, unassuming music, and TV shows that win awards. In that way, I am an elitist snob. And proud of it.
Michael Ian Black
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The characters that I have on Twitter have very little resemblance to me, the person who's writing them.
Michael Ian Black
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I don't necessarily self-identify as a writer, 'cause it implies a certain level of intelligence.
Michael Ian Black
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Super excited about things I'm going to do never excited about things I'm actually doing.
Michael Ian Black
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I can be a snarky Asshole, or I can be sort of mentally impaired. It's very hard for me to just be normal human being.
Michael Ian Black
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I don't think I was awake for much of my childhood. I did a lot of napping. This might have been a defensive measure against encroaching depression. Until about the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines.
Michael Ian Black
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Lordy, lordy, lordy do I love money. It is a character flaw, no doubt, one that springs from a panicked childhood in which I always felt as if our family was only a couple missed child support payments from being tossed onto the pitiless streets of our suburban New Jersey town.
Michael Ian Black
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I loved Dungeons & Dragons. Actually, not so much the actual playing as the creation of characters and the opportunity to roll twenty-sided dice. I loved those pouches of dice Dungeon Masters would trundle around, loved choosing what I was going to be: warrior, wizard, dwarf, thief.
Michael Ian Black
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If you say I'm going to be an actor, but I'll get a teaching degree just in case, when things get hard, you'll just be a teacher and that's how you get stuck.
Michael Ian Black
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It doesn't matter what you're chasing, when you get there you're gonna be like, Oh, is this all? It kind of sucks.
Michael Ian Black
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I was very surprised how many people were earnestly reminiscing about the '80s. It's such a stupid thing to do, like, to be honestly invested in nostalgia. It never even occurred to me to do that.
Michael Ian Black