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When congress is in session no American is safe.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
American
Session
Congress
Safe

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A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
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Do good when you can, and charge when you think they will stand it.
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I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.
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The law of work does seem utterly unfair-but there it is, and nothing can change it: the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher shall be his pay in cash, too.
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[I] shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. Indeed, upon second thought, I will not use it then, for it is unchristian, inelegant, and degrading--though to speak truly I do not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent without it.
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We regret the things we don't do more than the things we do.
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It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago-she outgrows his prophecies faster than he can make them. She is always a novelty for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time.
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Talent without work is useless, thank God
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It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.
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We wish to learn all the curious, outlandish ways of all the different countries, so that we can show off and astonish people when we get home. We wish to excite the envy of our untraveled friends with our strange foreign fashions which we can't shake off.
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Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
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Optimist: day-dreamer in his small clothes.
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The convention missionaries call modesty has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anybody's whim - anybody's diseased caprice.
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
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I have traveled more than anyone else, and I have noticed that even the angels speak English with an accent.
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If everyone was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.
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Education that consists in learning things and not the meaning of them is feeding upon the husks and not the corn
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The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it and also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession-and take the credit of the correction.
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The less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it
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The public is the only critic whose judgment is worth anything at all.
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