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Most of the things I worried about in life never happened.
Mark Twain
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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Happened
Things
Never
Life
Worried
More quotes by Mark Twain
Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.
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The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.
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Old habits cannot be thrown out the upstairs window. They have to be coaxed downstairs one step at a time.
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The convention missionaries call modesty has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anybody's whim - anybody's diseased caprice.
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That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it.
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At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on their clothes to keep them from being stolen.
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Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned
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Choosing not to read is like closing an open door to paradise
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We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that.
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Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
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The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.
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All emotion is involuntary when genuine.
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More than once I had seen a noble who had gotten his enemy at a disadvantage stop to pray before cutting his throat.
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The reason most people don't go to church is because they've already been.
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The secret of getting ahead is getting started
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I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.
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We all like to see people sea-sick when we are not ourselves.
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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
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Everybody lies...every day, every hour, awake, asleep, in his dreams, in his joy, in his mourning. If he keeps his tongue still his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude will convey deception.
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The proverb says that Providence protects children and idiots. This is really true. I know because I have tested it.
Mark Twain
