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First catch your Boer, then kick him.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Kick
Kicks
Catch
Firsts
First

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You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
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George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
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I have damaged my intellect trying to imagine why a man should want to invent a repeating clock, and how another man could be found to lust after it and buy it. The man who can guess these riddles is far on the way to guess why the human race was invented - which is another riddle which tires me.
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A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
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It is easier to stay out than get out.
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If to be interesting is to be uncommonplace, it is becoming a question, with me, if there are any commonplace people
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Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?
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If we only had some God in the country's laws, instead of being in such a sweat to get him into the Constitution, it would be better all around.
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Love is madness, if thwarted it develops fast.
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Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
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Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
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Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
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I pledged myself to smoke but one cigar a day. I kept the cigar waiting until bedtime, then I had a luxurious time with it. But desire persecuted me every day and all day long. I found myself hunting for larger cigars...within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions I could have used it as a crutch.
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The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
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When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood they still retain and cherish a job lot of left-over standards and ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had then moved out into the world and a broader life.
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I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet.
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Life becomes fully understandable only the moment we realise that we are all mad.
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Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.
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A half-educated physician is not valuable. He thinks he can cure everything.
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Morals are not the important thing-nor enlightenment-nor civilization. A man can do absolutely well without them, but he can't do without something to eat. The supremest thing is the need of the body, not of the mind and spirit.
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