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You ought never to sass old people- unless they sass you first.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Ought
Firsts
First
Never
People
Sass
Unless

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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
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I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass.
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I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way.
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There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.
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There is nothing more awe-inspiring than a miracle except the credulity that can take it at par.
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When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.
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I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time.
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Stars and shadows ain't good to see by.
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We despise no source that can pay us a pleasing attention.
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If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
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I simply can't resist a cat, particularly a purring one.
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Humor, to be comprehensible to anybody, must be built upon a foundation with which he is familiar. If he can't see the foundation the superstructure is to him merely a freak -- like the Flatiron building without any visible means of support -- something that ought to be arrested.
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No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.
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Dates are hard to remember because they consist of figures figures are monotonously unstriking in appearance, and they don't take hold, they form no pictures, and so they give the eye no chance to help. Pictures are the thing. Pictures can make dates stick.
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Do something everyday that you don't want to do.
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The Bible is a wonderful book you can prove anything you want with it.
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The face of the water, in time, became a wonderful book- a book that was a dead language to the uneducated passenger, but which told its mind to me without reserve, delivering its most cherished secrets as clearly as if it uttered them with a voice. And it was not a book to be read once and thrown aside, for it had a new story to tell every day.
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Drop this mean and sordid and selfish devotion to the saving of your shabby little souls, and hunt up something to do that's got some dignity to it! Risk your souls! Risk them in good causes then if you lose them, why should you care? Reform!
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I could forgive the boy, now, if he'd committed a million sins!
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It is curious and interesting to notice what an attraction a fussy, mincing, nickel-plated word has for you.
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