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You ought never to sass old people- unless they sass you first.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Ought
Firsts
First
Never
People
Sass
Unless

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I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
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All schools, all colleges have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal valuable knowledge.
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
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A person who has a cat by the tail knows a whole lot more about cats than someone who has just read about them.
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I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor.
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All the territorial possessions of all the political establishments in the earth--including America, of course-- consist of pilferings from other people's wash. No tribe, howsoever insignificant, and no nation, howsoever mighty occupies a foot of land that was not stolen.
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Tell me about a person's family, friends, and community, and I'll tell you what his opinions are.
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I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.
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If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.
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It shames the average man to be valued below his own estimate of his worth.
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To gnaw on is human, towards digest, divine.
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It must be well-nigh a maximum of sense to behave so that one escapes being hanged.
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A man who keeps company with glaciers comes to feel tolerably insignificiant by and by. The Alps and the glaciers together are able to take every bit of conceit out of a man and reduce his self-importance to zero if he will only remain within the influence of their sublime presence long enough to give it a fair and reasonable chance to do its work.
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True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.
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The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing, it is the thing to watch over and care for and be loyal to institutions are extraneous. . . .
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Yes, even I am dishonest. Not in many ways, but in some. Forty-one, I think it is.
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The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.
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When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood they still retain and cherish a job lot of left-over standards and ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had then moved out into the world and a broader life.
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If one is honest there is no need to remember.
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Never waste a lie you never know when you may need it.
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