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Every time I read a Jane Austen novel, I feel like a bartender at the gates of heaven.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Feel
Feels
Bartender
Every
Austen
Time
Jane
Like
Gates
Novel
Heaven
Read

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In my age, as in my youth, night brings me many a deep remorse. I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race - never quite sane in the night.
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The proverb says that Providence protects children and idiots. This is really true. I know because I have tested it.
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India is, the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. our most valuable and most instructive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only.
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It is the will of God that we must have critics and missionaries and congressmen and humorists, and we must bear the burden
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I have always been rather better treated in San Francisco than I actually deserved.
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Congress: America's only true criminal class.
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Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'
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There ain't no way to find out why a snorer can't hear himself snore.
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Honor is a harder master than the law.
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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
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Man is a marvelous curiosity...he thinks he is the Creator's pet...he even believes the Creator loves him has passion for him sits up nights to admire him yes and watch over him and keep him out of trouble. He prays to him and thinks he listens. Isn't it a quaint idea.
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A good lawyer knows the law a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
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The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.
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God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage
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My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.
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You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
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Of the 417 commandments, only a single one of the 417 has found ministerial obedience multiply and replenish the earth. To it sinner & saint, scholar & ignoramus, Christian & savage are alike loyal.
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The low level which commercial morality has reached in America is deplorable. We have humble God fearing Christian men among us who will stoop to do things for a million dollars that they ought not to be willing to do for less than 2 millions.
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I am dead to adverbs they cannot excite me. To misplace an adverb is a thing which I am able to do with frozen indifference it can never give me a pang. There are subtleties which I cannot master at all - they confuse me, they mean absolutely nothing to me - and this adverb plague is one of them.
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For we were little Christian children and early learned the value of forbidden fruit.
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