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I could be an idiot, or I can serve in Congress, but I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Repeat
Repeats
Idiot
Serve
Congress

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There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
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I like the truth sometimes, but I don't care enough for it to hanker after it.
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I was exceedingly delighted with the waltz, and also with the polka. These differ in name, but there the difference ceases
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I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
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There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you know ain't so'.
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It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners, but drowning would help.
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How stunning are the changes which age makes in a man while he sleeps!
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You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
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It's so damned humiliating.
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If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, you could not have graduated with higher honor than you could to-day.
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Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
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Not until you become a stranger to yourself will you be able to make acquaintance with the Friend.
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In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
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Methuselah lived to be 969 years old . You boys and girls will see more in the next fifty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime.
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Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.
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In God We Trust. It is the choicest compliment that has ever been paid us, and the most gratifying to our feelings. It is simple, direct, gracefully phrased it always sounds well - In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.
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I was standing in our dining-room thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram was put into my hand. It said, 'Susy was peacefully released today.' It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.
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[I] shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. Indeed, upon second thought, I will not use it then, for it is unchristian, inelegant, and degrading--though to speak truly I do not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent without it.
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The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.
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The choir always tittered and whispered all through the service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was.
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