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The equator was wisely put where it is, because if it had been run through Europe all the kings would have tried to grab it.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Tried
Europe
Running
Would
Equator
Wisely
Grab
Kings

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I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
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The proverb says that Providence protects children and idiots. This is really true. I know because I have tested it.
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I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass.
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There are some natures which never grow large enough to speak out and say a bad act is a bad act, until they have inquired into the politics or the nationality of the man who did it.
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A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
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It will take mind and memory months and possibly years to gather together the details, and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss.
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I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it.
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July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so
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God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage
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I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
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Are you so unobservant as not to have found out that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination?
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Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
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The truth is a precious commodity. That's why I use it so sparingly.
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There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others.
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Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can enjoy theirs. It is not strange for tastes are made, not born. I might glorify my bill of fare until I was tired but after all, the Scotchman would shake his head and say, 'Where's your haggis?' and the Fijan would sigh and say, 'Where's your missionary?'
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