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I'm the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Way
Autobiography
Build
Found
Persons
Person
Ever
Right

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There has been only one Christian. They caught and curcified him-early.
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The thing for us to do is just to do our duty, and not worry about whether anybody sees us do it or not.
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There are two things nobody should ever have to watch being made, sausage and laws.
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I have a religion-but you will call it blasphemy. It is that there is a God for the rich man but none for the poor.....Perhaps your religion will sustain you,will feed you-I place no dependence in mine. Our religions are alike, though, in one respect-neither can make a man happy when he is out of luck.
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I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor.
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Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
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Ignorance, intolerance, egotism, self-assertion, opaque perception, dense and pitiful chuckle headedness - and an almost pathetic unconsciousness of it all, that is what I was at nineteen and twenty.
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The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
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Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
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There warn't anybody at the church, except maybe a hog or two, for there warn't any lock on the door, and hogs likes a puncheon floor in summer-time because it's cool. If you notice, most folks don't go to church only when they've got to but a hog is different.
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The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
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Sometimes people do get hurt
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Greece is a bleak, unsmiling desert, without agriculture, manufactures or commerce, apparently. What supports its poverty-stricken people or its Government, is a mystery.
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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
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It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
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I have too much respect for the truth to drag it out on every trifling occasion.
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Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?
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Shall we go on conferring our Civilization upon the peoples that sit in darkness, or shall we give those poor things a rest?
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My idea of our civilization is that it is a shoddy, poor thing and full of cruelties, vanities, arrogances, meannesses and hypocrisies.
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Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and mortar and building an addition to a church.
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