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Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Consider
Average
Intelligence
Realize
Realizing
Common
Even
Men
Stupider

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A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes when bad, he is entitled to none at all.
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If you've got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out!
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It is the will of God that we must have critics, and missionaries, and Congressmen, and humorists, and we must bear the burden. Meantime, I seem to have been drifting into criticism myself. But that is nothing. At the worst, criticism is nothing more than a crime, and I am not unused to that.
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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.
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Heaven is by favor if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.
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To place man properly at the present time, he stands somewhere between the angels and the French.
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What is there that confers the noblest delight? What is that which swells a man's breast with pride above that which any other experience can bring to him? Discovery!
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Go to bed early, get up early-this is wise.
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My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.
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All war must be just the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal animosity strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it.
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To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
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Plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities.
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The equator was wisely put where it is, because if it had been run through Europe all the kings would have tried to grab it.
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It is so unsatisfactory to read a noble passage and have no one you love at hand to share the happiness with you. And it is unsatisfactory to read to one's self anyhow - for the uttered voice so heightens the expression.
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Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of growths
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I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
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