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Each nation knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Others
Despising
True
Sane
Government
Ass
Nation
System
Knowing
Nations
Religion
Suspecting

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He gossips habitually he lacks the common wisdom to keep still that deadly enemy of man, his own tongue.
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We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.
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We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy that watches over their dignity that focuses their vision true--humor.
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I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a 'k' to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side.
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In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
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Duties are not performed for duty's sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself.
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You don't know about me, without you have read a book by the name of 'The Adventures of Tom Sawyer,' but that ain't no matter. That book was made by a Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly.
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To get the full value of joy You must have someone to divide it with. After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
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I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
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The laws of Nature take precedence of all human laws. The purpose of all human laws is one - to defeat the laws of Nature. This is the case among all the nations, both civilized and savage. It is a grotesquerie, but when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity.
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Grown people everywhere are always likely to cling to the religion they were brought up in.
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Demagogue--a vessel containing beer and other liquids.
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The humorous story is told gravely the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.
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Human Beings are the only animals that blush, or need to.
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Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.
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Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
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If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory!
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They say that you can't live by bread alone, but I can live on compliments.
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Tom said to himself that it was not such a hollow world, after all. He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it -- namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.
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Not until you become a stranger to yourself will you be able to make acquaintance with the Friend.
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