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If you've got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out!

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Corpse
Corpses
Fresh
Nice
Death
Fetch

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Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned
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Nature knows no indecencies man invents them.
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There is no security in life, only opportunity.
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But we are all insane, anyway ... The suicides seem to be the only sane people.
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A little more kindness, A little less speed, A little more giving, A little less greed, A little more smile, A little less frown, A little less kicking, A man while he's down, A little more We, A little less I, A little more laugh, A little less cry, A little more flowers, On the pathway of life, And fewer on graves, At the end of the stri
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The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying that such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like everything.
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These people´s God has shown them by a million acts that he respects none of the Bible´s statues. He breaks every one of them himself, adultery and all.
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One can enjoy a rainbow without necessarily forgetting the forces that made it.
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Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.
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Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
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Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.
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A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
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A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn't.
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When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.
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One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her and the rule applies to Niagara Falls, to majestic mountains, and to mosques-especially to mosques.
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There are no accidents, all things have a deep and calculated purpose sometimes the methods employed by Providence seem strange and incongruous, but we have only to be patient and wait for the result: then we recognize that no others would have answered the purpose, and we are rebuked and humbled.
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My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess second, don't drink - to excess third, don't marry - to excess.
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
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Marriage -- yes, it is the supreme felicity of life. I concede it. And it is also the supreme tragedy of life. The deeper the love the surer the tragedy. And the more disconsolating when it comes.
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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
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