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A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Make
Uncle
Men
Uncles
Aunt
Cross
Crosses
Hump
Fun
Mustn
Funny
Backed
Another
Eyed

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Pilgrim's Progress , about a man that left his family, it didn't say why. I read considerable in it now and then. The statements was interesting, but tough.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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I speak French with timidity, and not flowingly--except when excited. When using that language I have often noticed that I have hardly ever been mistaken for a Frenchman, except, perhaps, by horses never, I believe, by people.
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Whiskey is carried into committee rooms in demijohns and carried out in demagogues.
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Does the human being reason? No he thinks, muses, reflects, but does not reason...that is, in the two things which are the peculiar domain of the heart, not the mind, politics and religion. He doesn't want to know the other side. He wants arguments and statistics for his own side, and nothing more.
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.
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Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
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Shall we go on conferring our Civilization upon the peoples that sit in darkness, or shall we give those poor things a rest?
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There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
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There is no other life life itself is only a vision and a dream for nothing exists but space and you. If there was an all-powerful God, he would have made all good, and no bad.
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Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and mortar and building an addition to a church.
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Every one knew he could foretell wars and famines, though that was not so hard, for there was always a war, and generally a famine somewhere.
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If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
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...Man is a marvelous curiosity. When he is at his very very best he is a sort of low grade nickel-plated angel at his worst he is unspeakable, unimaginable and first and last and all the time he is a sarcasm. Yet he blandly and in all sincerity calls himself the 'noblest work of God.'
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In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
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The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label.
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What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it.
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There are those who would misteach us that to stick in a rut is consistency - and a virtue, and that to climb out of the rut is inconsistency - and a vice.
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It is a good and gentle religion, but inconvenient.
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An American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi-Gras in New Orleans.
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