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If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won''t go.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Heaven
Cigars
Cigar
Permitted
Smoking

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My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess second, don't drink - to excess third, don't marry - to excess.
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Patriotism is merely a religion-love of country, worship of country, devotion to the country's flag and honor and welfare.
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A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to you than the ninety-and -nine which you had to work for, and money won at faro or in stock snuggles into your heart in the same way.
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Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer.
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Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
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A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment.
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We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that.
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I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass.
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It is not in the least likely that any life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person who lived it.
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My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
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An ecstasy is a thing that will not go into words it feels like music.
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I am living a new and exalted life of late. It steeps me in a sacred rapture to see a portrait develop and take soul under my hand. First, I throw off a study - just a mere study, a few apparently random lines - and to look at it you would hardly ever suspect who it was going to be even I cannot tell, myself.
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Sum all the gifts that man is endowed with, and we give our greatest share of admiration to his energy. And today, if I were a heathen, I would rear a statue to Energy and fall down and worship it!
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In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that.
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You thunder and lightning too much the reader ceases to get under the bed, by and by.
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When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.
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Wit and Humor - if any difference, it is in duration - lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently but one is vivid, and can do damage - the other fools along and enjoys elaboration.
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None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favour at the same time. There are many asses.
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People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
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Men are easily dealt with--but when you get the women started, you are in for it, you know.
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