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If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won''t go.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Cigar
Permitted
Smoking
Heaven
Cigars

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Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection. - The Babies speech 1879
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I prefer milk because I am a Prohibitionist, but I do not go to it for inspiration.
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Life should begin with age and its privileges and accumulations, and end with youth and its capacity to splendidly enjoy such advantages.
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He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
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Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
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You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly creations of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks - in a word, that they are a dream, and you the maker of it. The dream-marks are all present you should have recognized them earlier.
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I have always been rather better treated in San Francisco than I actually deserved.
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No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.
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How superbly brave is the Englishman in the presence of the awfulest forms of danger and death and how abject in the presence of any and all forms of hereditary rank.
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There is no security in life, only opportunity.
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I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
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There is only one expert who is qualified to examine the souls and the life of a people and make a valuable report - the native novelist. ... And when a thousand able novels have been written, there you have the soul of the people and not anywhere else can these be had.
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We never knew an ignorant person yet but was prejudiced.
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To do something, say something, see something, before anybody else -- these are things that confer a pleasure compared with which other pleasures are tame and commonplace, other ecstasies cheap and trivial.
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There has been only one Christian. They caught and curcified him-early.
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Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
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Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
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Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. When in doubt, tell the truth. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.
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I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the lower animals (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me.
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