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I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Happened
Whether
Funny
Back
Better
Find
Things
Sarcasm
Sarcastic

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The pause - that impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words, howsoever felicitous, could accomplish it.
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Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.
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When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
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Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
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When the Lord finished the world, he pronounced it good. That is what I said about my first work, too. But Time, I tell you, Time takes the confidence out of these incautious opinions. It is more than likely that He thinks about the world, now, pretty much as I think about the Innocents Abroad. The fact is, there is a trifle too much water in both.
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We called him Barney for short. We couldn't use his real name, there wasn't time.
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Human Beings are the only animals that blush, or need to.
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Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
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Astonishing things can be done with the human memory if you will devote it faithfully to one particular line of business.
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Are you so unobservant as not to have found out that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination?
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Probably there is an imperceptible touch of something permanent that one feels instinctively to adhere to true humour, whereas wit may be the mere conversational shooting up of smartness--a bright feather, to be blown into space the second after it is launched...Wit seems to be counted a very poor relation to Humour....Humour is never artifici
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Children have but little charity for one another's defects
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The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label.
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There are things which some people never attempt during their whole lives, but one of these is not poetry. Poetry attacks all human beings sooner or later, and, like the measles, is mild or violent according to the age of the sufferer.
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Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
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You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere. Lee Iacocca Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
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It has taken a weary long time to persuade American Presbyterians to give up infant damnation and try to bear it the best they can.
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... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.
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Old habits cannot be thrown out the upstairs window. They have to be coaxed downstairs one step at a time.
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Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself.
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