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We called him Barney for short. We couldn't use his real name, there wasn't time.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Wasn
Name
Called
Names
Use
Real
Barney
Time
Couldn
Short

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Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.
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God could create the world in six days because he didn't have to make it compatible with the previous version. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company
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There is no such thing as the Queen's English. The property has gone into the hands of a joint stock company and we own the bulk of the shares!
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The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.
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There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good it can destroy bad principles and recreate good ones it can lift men to angelship.
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when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity.
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Tis Better to Sit there and LOOK the fool, than to open your mouth and prove it.
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Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
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The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
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The ignorant are afraid to betray surprise or admiration...they think it ill manners.
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I think that the reason why we Americans seem to be so addicted to trying to get rich suddenly is merely because the opportunity to make promising efforts in that direction has offered itself to us with a frequency out of all proportion to the European experience.
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Memories which someday will become all beautiful when the last annoyance that encumbers them shall have faded out of our minds.
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It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.
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It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago-she outgrows his prophecies faster than he can make them. She is always a novelty for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time.
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An ecstasy is a thing that will not go into words it feels like music.
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There is no salvation for us but to adopt Civilization and lift ourselves down to its level.
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The frankest and freest and privatest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter.
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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
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If I were going to construct a God I would furnish him with some ways and qualities and characteristics which the Present One lacks... He would spend some of His eternities in trying to forgive Himself for making man unhappy when He could have made him happy with the same effort and He would spend the rest of them in studying astronomy.
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Jim said that bees won't sting idiots, but I didn't believe that, because I tried them lots of times myself and they wouldn't sting me.
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