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I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Taxes
Social
Whole
Taxation
People
Criminal
Relations
Friendly
Criminals
Relation

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The catfish is Plenty good enough fish for anyone
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In all the ages, three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been conscience money.
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The idea that a baby doesn't amount to anything! Why, one baby is just a house and a front yard full by itself. One baby can, furnish more business than you and your whole Interior Department can attend to. He is enterprising, irrepressible, brimful of lawless activities.
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There is a great difference between feeding parties to wild beasts and stirring up their finer feelings in an inquisition. One is the system of degraded barbarians, the other of enlightened civilized people.
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Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
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What is there that confers the noblest delight? What is that which swells a man's breast with pride above that which any other experience can bring to him? Discovery!
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This autobiography of mine is a mirror, and I am looking at myself in it all the time. Incidentally I notice the people that pass along at my back - I get glimpses of them in the mirror - and whenever they say or do anything that can help advertise me and flatter me and raise me in my own estimation, I set these things down in my autobiography.
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Never tell a lie-except for practice.
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Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
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Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values.
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A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?
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Children have but little charity for one another's defects
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My axiom is, to succeed in business: avoid my example.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
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I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened.
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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want—oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!
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My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess second, don't drink - to excess third, don't marry - to excess.
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Names are not always what they seem.
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