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I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Taxes
Social
Whole
Taxation
People
Criminal
Relations
Friendly
Criminals
Relation

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If I can capture truth in its simplest form, beauty will follow like a sledgehammer.
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Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.
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If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.
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The funniest things are the forbidden.
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Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
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Apparently one of the most uncertain things in the world is the funeral of a religion.
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There is not an acre of ground on the globe that is in possession of its rightful owner, or that has not been taken away from owner after owner, cycle afer cycle, by force and bloodshed.
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Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.
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When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
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When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.
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There isn't any way to libel the human race.
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
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The truth hurts, but silence kills.
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Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
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There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
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The exquisitely bad is as satisfying to the soul as the exquisitely good. Only the mediocre is unendurable.
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There has never been a Protestant boy nor a Protestant girl whose mind the Bible has not soiled.
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