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If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Created
Humanity
Nature
Would
Men
Humankind
Ashamed
Performance
Performances

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A person who has a cat by the tail knows a whole lot more about cats than someone who has just read about them.
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.
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Customs do not concern themselves with right or wrong or reason. But they have to be obeyed one reasons all around them until he is tired, but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.
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What a curious kind of fool a girl is. Never been licked in school. What's a licking?
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Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.
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I said there was but one solitary thing about the past worth remembering, and that was the fact that it is past-can't be restored.
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Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.
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What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
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There ain't nothing more to write about and I'm rotten glad of it, because if I'd know'd what trouble it was to make a book, I wouldn't a tackled it.
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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
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In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.
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Old habits cannot be thrown out the upstairs window. They have to be coaxed downstairs one step at a time.
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The Creator made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.
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I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie I can, but I won't.
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I couldn't bear to think about it and yet, somehow, I couldn't think about nothing else.
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Slang in a woman's mouth is not obscene, it only sounds so.
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In writing, I shall always confine myself strictly to the truth, except when it is attended with inconvenience.
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A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation.
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I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again.
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