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If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Performance
Performances
Created
Humanity
Nature
Would
Men
Humankind
Ashamed

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I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.
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Don't dream your life, but live your dream
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Synergy - the bonus that is achieved when things work together harmoniously.
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That is a society editor, sitting there elegantly dressed, with his legs crossed in that indolent way, observing the clothes the ladies wear, so that he can describe them for his paper and make them out finer than they are and get bribes for it and become wealthy.
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Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.
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There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
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I went to the circus, and loafed around the back side till the watchman went by, and then dived in under the tent. I had my twenty-dollar gold piece and some other money, but I reckoned I better save it.... I ain't opposed to spending money on circuses, when there ain't no other way, but there ain't no use in wasting it on them.
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There are no wild animals until man makes them so.
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Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
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But I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of therest, because Aunt Sally she's going to adopt me and sivilize me, and I can't stand it. I been there before.
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There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
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No one can tell me what is a good cigar--for me. I am the only judge... There are no standards--no real standards. Each man's preference is the only standard for him, the only one which he can accept, the only one which can command him.
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Those people.... early stricken of God, intellectually - the departmental interpreters of the laws in Washington... can always be depended on to take any reasonably good law and interpret the common sense all out of it.
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What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
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Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom.
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The human race consists of the damned and the ought-to-be damned.
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When a man stands on the verge of seventy-two you know perfectly well that he never reached that place without knowing what this life is - heartbreaking bereavement.
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I was born with Halley's Comet and I expect to die upon its return
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the more I know about people, the better I like my dogs.
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