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Damn these human beings if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Humans
Lecturer
Would
Bags
Invented
Hide
Damn
Beings
Head
Human

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Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so it is the sickening grammar that they use.
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Conductor, when you receive a fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare. A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare, A buff trip slip for a six-cent fare, A pink trip slip for a three-cent fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare! Punch, brothers! punch with care! Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
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A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
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Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
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Experience comes from bad judgment.
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That is a simple rule, and easy to remember. When I, a thoughtful and unblessed Presbyterian, examine the Koran, I know that beyond any question every Mohammedan is insane not in all things, but in religious matters.
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In the ancient city of London, on a certain autumn day in the second quarter of the sixteenth century, a boy was born to a poor family of the name of Canty, who did not want him.
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No throne exists that has a right to exist, and no symbol of it, flying from any flagstaff, is righteously entitled to wear any device but the skull and crossbones of that kindred industry which differs from royalty only businesswise-merely as retail differs from wholesale.
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Balloon: Thing to take meteroric observations and commit suicide with.
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I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
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A man may have no bad habits and have worse
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A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.
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Once you've put one of his [Henry James] books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
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How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it.
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In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
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The reason most people don't go to church is because they've already been.
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All human rules are more or less idiotic.
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One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one.
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I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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