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Damn these human beings if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag.
Mark Twain
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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Human
Humans
Lecturer
Would
Bags
Invented
Hide
Damn
Beings
Head
More quotes by Mark Twain
I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit.
Mark Twain
Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful.
Mark Twain
Learning softeneth the heart and breedeth gentleness and charity.
Mark Twain
When grown-up persons indulge in practical jokes, the fact gauges them. They have lived narrow, obscure, and ignorant lives, and at full manhood they still retain and cherish a job lot of left-over standards and ideals that would have been discarded with their boyhood if they had then moved out into the world and a broader life.
Mark Twain
The truth is a precious commodity. That's why I use it so sparingly.
Mark Twain
If you take epitaphs seriously, we ought to bury the living and resurrect the dead.
Mark Twain
I was exceedingly delighted with the waltz, and also with the polka. These differ in name, but there the difference ceases
Mark Twain
Once I talked to the inmates of an insane asylum in Hartford. I have talked to idiots a thousand times, but only once to the insane.
Mark Twain
What God lacks is convictions- stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something- not try to be everything.
Mark Twain
All the territorial possessions of all the political establishments in the earth--including America, of course-- consist of pilferings from other people's wash. No tribe, howsoever insignificant, and no nation, howsoever mighty occupies a foot of land that was not stolen.
Mark Twain
I do not like an injurious lie, except when it injures somebody else.
Mark Twain
The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, Where is the best place to go to? He was undecided about it. So the minister told him that each place had its advantages--heaven for climate, and hell for society.
Mark Twain
There has never been a Protestant boy nor a Protestant girl whose mind the Bible has not soiled.
Mark Twain
Sum all the gifts that man is endowed with, and we give our greatest share of admiration to his energy. And today, if I were a heathen, I would rear a statue to Energy and fall down and worship it!
Mark Twain
One can enjoy a rainbow without necessarily forgetting the forces that made it.
Mark Twain
What a world of trouble those who never marry escape! There are many happy matches, it is true, and sometimes my dear, and my love come from the heart but what sensible bachelor, rejoicing in his freedom and years of discretion, will run the tremendous risk?
Mark Twain
While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.
Mark Twain
There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.
Mark Twain
Don't you know that the very thing a man dreads is the thing that always happens?
Mark Twain
There are some natures which never grow large enough to speak out and say a bad act is a bad act, until they have inquired into the politics or the nationality of the man who did it.
Mark Twain