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Damn these human beings if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Would
Bags
Invented
Hide
Damn
Beings
Head
Human
Humans
Lecturer

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Out of the depths of my happy heart wells a great tide of love and prayer for this priceless treasure that is confided to my lifelong keeping. You cannot see its waves as they flow toward you, darling, but in these lines you will hear...the distant beating of its surf.
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...Man is a marvelous curiosity. When he is at his very very best he is a sort of low grade nickel-plated angel at his worst he is unspeakable, unimaginable and first and last and all the time he is a sarcasm. Yet he blandly and in all sincerity calls himself the 'noblest work of God.'
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Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.
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Honest poverty is a gem that even a king might be proud to call his own - but I wish to sell out
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Unused talents gives you no advantage over someone who has no talent at all.
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No one can tell me what is a good cigar--for me. I am the only judge... There are no standards--no real standards. Each man's preference is the only standard for him, the only one which he can accept, the only one which can command him.
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If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance.
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It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race.
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Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth
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There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
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I have no race prejudices, and I think I have no color prejudices or caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. Indeed I know it. I can stand any society. All that I care to know is that a man is a human being-that is enough for me he can't be any worse.
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To stand still is to fall behind.
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Demagogue--a vessel containing beer and other liquids.
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Your road is everything that a road ought to be...and yet you will not stay in it half a mile, for the reason that little, seductive, mysterious roads are always branching out from it on either hand, and as these curve sharply also and hide what is beyond, you cannot resist the temptation to desert your own chosen path and explore them.
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All schools, all colleges have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal valuable knowledge.
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Men are easily dealt with--but when you get the women started, you are in for it, you know.
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The law is a system that protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer.
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What a curious kind of fool a girl is. Never been licked in school. What's a licking?
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Troubles are only mental it is the mind that manufactures them, and the mind can gorge them, banish them, abolish them.
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As a boy, I once saw a cart of melons that sorely tempted me. I sneaked up to the cart and stole a melon. I went into the alley to devour it, but no sooner had I set my teeth into it, than I paused, a strange feeling coming over me. I came to a quick conclusion. Firmly, I walked up to that cart, replaced the melon - and took a ripe one.
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